Ever felt like you could not speak to your parents or family members about religion? That is, to ask questions or challenge aspects of it? I have. It’s like a forbidden family conversation to trespass into. I mean, the one positive thing about Tamils is that we can respect other religions and even partake in it. But we cannot switch our ‘birth’ religion, disregard the concept of God altogether, or put forward questions that could lead to that other results. I was once told that Christianity was part of my permanent identity since I was born into a family/community that held that religion. So even if I was to convert or become an atheist the Tamil community will still associate me with my family’s religion: Christianity. This came from a young Tamil adult – how intriguing?!
Of course, the home religion will influence the early years of a child’s life. As a young child I had imaginary friends. Imagine my forehead as a one-way mirror. I had Jesus, Mother Mary and Joseph (I think) living inside my head looking out into everything I did and everywhere I went. They would speak to me and I to them; when I was angry, upset, happy, excited. I find it quite surreal that I experienced this as a young child! Yet, that is how my interpretation of ‘Christianity’ manifested into. With the concept of God Himself however my relationship differed. I had almost like a cold war with Him. I would only speak to Him if I was angry enough to blame Him for whatever the matter was that angered me. I made it so clear that I was not mad at Jesus, but God. I distinguished the two. I felt an unidentified tension against God but not Christ. I still do.
Now that I am older, I can locate that tension and trace it to my childhood. I know exactly why I feel resentment against God, and not Jesus – the matter of why is for another blog post. You see, I perceived God as the Supreme Being who ought to have protected me whereas Jesus as a result of also having been forsaken by God became my therapist and counsellor – I could relate to Him. He became the embodiment of my personal solace. While I was able to release my anger towards God, I was able to find peace in Christ. I wasn’t able to talk to any of my family members about this because they didn’t distinguish parts of Christianity as I did, nor would they have liked to.
Now that I am into world politics Christianity has become more of a problem for me. I detest the Western version of Christianity. The cherry-picking suitability exercise which befits a Western Christian family in that relative moment – this used to be a White only practice but I see every Christians from all cultural backgrounds doing this, including my family. They fulfil their duty to observe the Sabbath day every Sunday yet dismiss the very essence of Christianity which is to ‘love thy neighbour’. I did more research I became more distant from Catholicism. The Vatican Church and its propaganda orchestrated through manipulation of power. The clever control the previous Popes had, and still do, on the Gospels of the Bible (to depict Jesus more as a God than as a human being in order to sustain control over the masses). Western Governments and their leaders intervening in non-Western countries in the name of better living traceable to Christian principles (to convince their own citizens). I was no longer able to even utter out ‘I am a Christian’, because I no longer identify with neo-Christianity.
Now that I am a little more clarified, the truth is my faith never changed. My identification of it did. I do not want to put a label on it. I do not want to ruin or stain this complex yet beautiful faith I have manifested and grew from a young age by labelling it with a contradictory phenomenon. I have faith in Jesus, yet it goes beyond. Beyond the walls of religion and pillars of man made custom. This faith is to reach peace even in remote places such as my mind itself or the universe. If I want to find peace in unknown or other worldly places then I will seek for it beyond. If I want to find peace in a familiar, safe place that I have known since a child then I will seek within Jesus. I would like you to know that it is okay to hold unconventional beliefs. It is okay to not hold a steady faith or not be able to explain it in the normal ways. Faith is not between you and everybody. Faith is for you only. And through you, God, a Higher Being, spirituality, or even the art of contentment through rejection of God itself will learn of it.
Quantum. 